Bygone Glamour

I leave in TWO DAYS. Holy catfish!!

That is all.

This isn't much of an update, because I don't have any time, but briefly...

I'm moving to the east coast in six days. Yikes! I'm spending a week with my friend Kimberley in upstate New York, then it's onward to Massachusetts for school. I'll be back for a long weekend in October (the weekend of the 10th), and then for a month and a half in January-February.

The Old Hollywood murder mystery party took place this past Saturday, and while it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped, and started very late, it was pretty fabulous! Everyone had a great time and the punch was amazing. Thank you SO much to everyone who came and helped out. I eagerly await ideas and input on future murder mysteries (and maybe other in-character parties - shhhh, it's just TOO geeky to call them LARPs - even if that's what they are ;) ). Maybe we'll even manage one in January! I'll be posting pictures soon, and would love it if anyone else who took pictures could send them to me. All feedback would be greatly appreciated, though I might not have a chance to read it just yet. =)

Now, more practically speaking - since I am moving, I have a lot of stuff to get rid of. Housewares, kitchenware, furniture, clothes, vintage clothes, costume pieces, fabric, trim, and yarn. There are also various books, including children's books. Clothes are various sizes, shoes are mostly size 10, fabric varies but includes a lot of synthetics (many quite interesting) and upholstery fabrics - most of my natural fibers I'm keeping, trim is mostly lace of which I have too much and am willing to cut off yardage, and yarn is synthetic and generally wacky or standard acrylic stuff - some would make great weird costumey wigs.

Furniture is: one large square coffee table that opens on both sides of the top and looks like a massive pirate chest (or two put back to back), one pink-and-white-striped wingback armchair that I always intended to reupholster, six black counter-height stools from Ikea, and one darkdark brown counter-height table that makes an AMAZING cutting table - it's quite large but one of the leaves collapses (btw, the surface got scratched up in a fall so it's not in perfect condition; also the legs are currently detached for ease of moving). If anyone's interested in the furniture, I'd really rather sell it than give it away but mostly I just want to get rid of it, so I suppose it depends on how kindly you're feeling toward a poor creature attempting a cross-country move with very little in the way of funds! =D

Let me know if you're interested! My email is ava.trimble@gmail.com. You'd likely need to come by my place in Pasadena, since I have zero time for hauling stuff around, and if you want anything, it's probably going to need to happen by Sunday, as Monday and Tuesday will be pretty frantic. Eep!

Oh me, oh my - I am so overwhelmed! I bought my plane ticket last night: I officially fly out three weeks from tonight. I fly from LAX to Syracuse NY by way of JFK, because surprise, surprise, nowhere in Greater Los Angeles flies direct to Syracuse. I leave at night on Tuesday the 25th and will arrive in the morning on Wednesday the 26th, to spend nearly a week with Kimberley upstate. Part of this week will involve a weekend at a French and Indian War reenactment. That's right, the 1750s (of course, I had to ask - did I know which decade contained that war? No, no I did not. Seriously, the 18th Century remains pretty alien to me, but I'm trying). I have never in my life done anything 18th Century. The closest thing is the Pirates of the Caribbean-pattern-based men's coats I've done. Two of them, oddly enough, though I can't find either, which is rather mystifying. Not that I need them: never fear, I don't plan on wearing them.

My plan, based on information gleaned from Kimberley, from various friendly person at Costume College, from the internet, from Janet Arnold, and from the very limited additional supply of books I have that say much about the 18th Century, is to do an upper working class type thing, aspiring bourgeoise, "maybe I can marry a respectable city fellow!" type. Maybe a former upper servant, who knows. The thing is I'm terribly vain and I like pretty things and I can't abide the thought of being uncorsetted and unfitted and frumpy. Besides which, I don't have any nasty wools like I'd need for properly being poor. Basically, I need to fit my character, class, and vanity to what I can manage, the best plan for which seems to be a jacket with stomacher, and petticoats over a bumroll. In linen. So I would likely wear:

-My gored panel Victorian corset, which doesn't fit right, so it flattens my front and shoves my bosom upward and looks rather more 18th Century than 19th, because for heaven's sake it's better than nothing
-My Elizabethan shift, made using the pattern generator on Drea Leeds' site and these instructions: http://elizabethancostume.net/chemise.html - it is, incidentally, the only Elizabethan garment I've made, and I didn't finish the wrist edges or the hem because I, well, got distracted. My thought is to shorten them hem to mid-calf and shorten the sleeves to just past the elbow - but they're fairly close-fitting sleeves, which I gather is unusual for 18th Century. However, I did find some pictures that seem to support the possibility: http://collections.vam.ac.uk/indexplus/db_images/website/large/2006AV6133.jpg . Additionally, I could perhaps attach a self-fabric ruffle, like I seem to see here (though of course it could be attached to the jacket sleeve): http://collections.vam.ac.uk/indexplus/db_images/website/large/2006AV6330-1.jpg . The shift has a relatively low, square neck and is made of a nice cotton batiste. It's entirely handsewn, for what reason I really couldn't say.
-Knee-high stockings and black leather ballet flats, because really, if not those, it's side-button 19th Century Fugawee Victorias, and that would really be bad.
-Some sort of bumroll item, which according to my rather decent costume history textbook was at the time called a "false rump" (which amuses me to no end), but I don't know precisely what shape it ought to be - I gather the fashionable silhouette was VERY wide but how much would that be imitated by the lower echelons? It's Elizabethan, again, but this seems like helpful construction information to start with: http://elizabethancostume.net/bumroll.html
-A jacket (would casaquin be the right term?) like those on page 26 of Janet Arnold's Patterns of Fashion I. I want to do a stomacher, not a loose front (vanity, remember?), and cuffed sleeves. I'm very attracted to the notion of ruched trim as in A, but the text says that was added later. The fabric is a red linen leftover from another project (strictly speaking, it has some low rayon content as well, but it's not obvious and we'll all just have to manage, because I can't buy anything new!), and I plan to use it for both jacket and stomacher. But it's sturdy, and thus too heavy for ruched self-trim. Would it be acceptable to use a different fabric entirely for trim? Like, say, bias-cut white silk of some variety? Or should I try to talk myself out of the ruching? I want it to be pretty but I don't want to mix fibers unacceptably or mix socio-economic strata alll willy-nilly. I can tell you for certain I won't be quilting the thing. Going to this pictures again - http://collections.vam.ac.uk/indexplus/db_images/website/large/2006AV6330-1.jpg - the jacket appears to have contrast bands of some sort laid around the neckline, with matching cuffs, so it doesn't look like ribbon. For the record, ribbon isn't an option (except faked with bias-cut silk), because I don't have any silk ribbon. Whatever I do, I'll do it with light finishing and nice big seam allowances so I can fix it later once I get a proper corset done.
-A stomacher to match said jacket, in the same red linen. If I have time at some point, is embroidery or trim an option? I probably won't worry about it yet, but I'm thinking ahead.
-A petticoat that will actually show, in some linen I have on hand, which is currently white but which I'm thinking I'll dye a reddish brown perhaps - something that will go with the red, not be matchy-matchy, and not show dirt too easily. I don't know color sense for this period much, so I'm a little iffy on this - I'll plan on making the other petticoat first, to give myself time to think about it.
-Another petticoat for to wear under the first, which I'll do in some mid-to-slightly-heavy-weight cotton I have that I dyed pink. It was supposed to be wine, but there was a washing machine snafu and the dye was rinsed out too soon. It clashes hideously with the red linen, but it's sturdy fabric with body, it was cheap, it's already a reasonable color for the period, and I have plenty of it. So I will study the famous petticoat tutorial of koshka_the_cat (http://www.koshka-the-cat.com/18c_petticoat.html) and try the pink one first, then make the one I intend to be seen once I've chosen a color and dyed the fabric. I figure I'll make the underneath one an inch or two shorter.
-A pocket or two, which will likely get made on the plane! I need to build a serious stock of small handwork projects for all my travel-time.
-A cap and fichu - I love white silk organza, and I actually HAVE it, but would it be ridiculous to wear silk with relatively simple linen clothes? Or would I be able to reasonably fancy things up with organza cap, fichu, and ruching on the jacket? Failing that highly desirable but suspicious plan, I have some cotton voile that I could use for the fichu and, I suppose, starch and use for a cap. One the subject of caps, are there any patterns or diagrams online? Is the circular-cut mob cap a myth? Are small caps too racy/fashionable for me?
-For my hair I'm planning to set it in curlers, rolled back from my face, and puff it a little, possibly with the clever braid thing in the back. I think it will be hard to resist a little authentic cosmetic usage (in color and application, not in poison content), even though it might shock the locals.
-Would a silk-covered straw hat be unacceptable for the social strata implied by the linen jacket and petticoat? Because I can't get my hands on proper straw and would have the fake it and cover, like so: http://www.jennylafleur.com/precis/2005_05.htm - I really don't want to go hatless because it seems indecent, and I sunburn horribly.
-What am I forgetting?????

I am so confused. But I need to get this figured out, quickly, because like I said, I leave in three weeks. I want to have as much done as possible before then, because Kimberley and I will only have a couple days to drape and make the jacket (you think I'm doing that on my own? hah!). So I even want to have a bunch of trim ready ahead of time, if I'm allowed to use trim. I really want to NOT make a mess of this, because I'm hoping it will get me a job at some point. There's a lot of 18th Century living history in Massachusetts, and I want to do living history. All the time!

Halp!

In other news, and in another century entirely, Lindsey (eldanorien ) and I are trying to make the Old Hollywood murder mystery party happen in less than two weeks (Saturday the 15th), but we're losing people, and she's having to work constantly, so there's not been much time for planning. It turns out that I desperately need a studio mogul (male, 30+), a vindictive femme fatale actress (female, dark-haired, 18-30), an auburn-haired aspiring actress (female, 18-30), and a vicious gossip columnist (female, any age, preferably 25+). I could also use a functional photographer, performers of any ilk, and an additional bartender. Those first four I listed though, are important characters that we thought we had people for but now don't. If you're interested, for the love of heaven, tell me, because we can't possibly write them all out. And we can still write more in! It will be lots of fun and a chance to do 1940s-50s!

Again - halp!

And finally, as I've mentioned, I am moving. In three weeks. Basically forever. I will be finishing my bachelor's for at least the next two years (possibly an extra semester, hopefully not an extra year, but I want to make sure I have time to do all the courses I need to for teaching credentials, on top of everything else), then I plan on staying in the Northeast for my master's, which looks to be another two years, possibly a little longer because I'll be TAing (I'd better be - otherwise there's no way I could possibly afford grad school). For those who are curious - I'll be getting a bachelor of arts in an individual concentration that will involve social history, cultural studies, and education, and then a master of arts in public history (or one of the related disciplines like public humanities). I'll be done by the time I'm 30. Sigh. Oh well - it took me a while to get everything figured out, but better late than never. I'll be at Hampshire College in Amherst, which is in the Pioneer Valley in Western Massachusetts. If anyone knows any living historians, costumers, or groups out there, introduce me! I'll be allllllll alone. It's terrifying, but exciting. I bought my plane ticket last night, and my train ticket from Utica, NY to Springfield, MA, for the following Tuesday - September 2nd. Here's hoping my cousin and his fiancee are still willing to let me stay the night at their house the night before check-in. And here's hoping I survive the day of travel: It's a five-hour train ride (for twenty bucks!!!) to Springfield, then at least two and a half hours on the bus, it looks like. Despite it only being I think half an hour by car. Bleh. I will bring lots of handsewing.

So, that's me, that's life, that's what's up. I have to figure out how to get my stuff across the country still, which promises to be tricky and expensive, and I have to figure out how to live and study and sew in a tiny dorm room - which, thankfully, I will have to myself, so that's something. I would greatly appreciate any tips and tricks on costuming in a dorm room!

For the moment, though, I need to skedaddle, as I have to leave for my doctor's appointment in an hour and 45 minutes, after which I'm going to my dad's to sew with my step-sister and take a family picture, before all of which I need to clean up around the house, do the dishes, eat the food that's been sitting here since I started this entry, take a shower, find clothes that are doctor's office friendly (no skirts when getting my back fiddled with!) AND family portrait friendly (perhaps with multiple options so I don't end up clashing with anyone), bring enough makeup and hair stuff so I can soothe my vanity for the aforementioned portrait, collect patterns and fabric and sewing stuff for making baby clothes with my step-sister as gifts for the baby shower my dad and step-mom are having on Saturday (did I mention I'll be getting a new baby sister in October and I WON'T BE HERE?!?!?), and...... oh yes, take pictures of the damage to the back of my truck and email them to the insurance woman so my doctors' appointments can actually get paid for. Whoops, I needed to do that a while ago. Do I have time for even half of that list? Probably not. Sigh.

One last thing: anyone who has online resources on 18th century clothes, specifically those that are relevent to the 1750s, please share! I have a bunch of stuff bookmarked but most of it's formal, and later in the century. Thrice, I say, Halp!

=)

BREAKING NEWS! Ladies and gentlemen, this just in! The Old Hollywood Murder Mystery party will take place on Saturday, August 15th! If you aren't able to make this date, I'm very sorry, but several people were unable to come on the 22nd, including some who've been involved for a long time, so we had to go with the 15th. Yes, even though it means we have less than three weeks to get everything ready!

Lindsey and I, along with whoever else is interested and available, will be going to the Cicada Club in Los Angeles on 8/9. The place really does feel like you've just walked into a glamorous old movie! See www.clubcicada.com for more information - like the dress code! Let us know if you'll be there - I might even be able to help with hair, loaner clothes, etc.

I will be in Orange County on the afternoon of Saturday, August 8th, and could conceivably do some kind of getting-together with people in that neck of the woods if there's interest. Bringing along clothes to try is an option. Let me know if anyone's interested. Beyond that, if anyone wants to dry by Pasadena for a wardrobe consult ahead of time, I'm game, but I know I'm out of the way for just about everyone!

[end of 7/27 update]

This post contains a repeat of the July 9 post about the Old Hollywood party, with information updated throughout the character list, and updates elsewhere in bold. Enough changed that I wanted to do more than just make edits to the previous post. Unless/until there’s another big round of changes, I’ll plan on updating this post as changes occur.

Most of the characters we originally came up with have been assigned, or are tentatively assigned, at this point, though we’re still waiting to hear back from several people in key roles. This doesn’t mean there’s nothing left to do! Plenty of other parts have been invented from scratch – this sort of thing is highly flexible. Folks, we haven’t even decided who the murderer is yet! You can still get in on the good stuff!

Since this will be planned but not scripted, the size of your role on party-day will be entirely up to you. If you sit in a corner sulking into your cocktail, not much is likely to happen to you even if you’ve got a list of motives and secrets a mile long, whereas even someone who’s ostensibly in a bit part can get involved in the trade of secrets, favors, and ambitions. The point isn’t merely to solve the murder (or avoid being arrested for it!), it’s also to take revenge on those who’ve wronged you, advance your career, arrange a love affair, ruin a love affair… The possibilities are endless!

This just in – after the party officially begins, there will be a show to get people in the mood. We’re currently trying to put together the show, and if you have something to offer, do tell! Thus far we hopefully have a swing dance performance, and I’m working to arrange a magic show, a psychic demonstration, and a Shakespeare reading as well. Song, dance, juggling, tricks, vaudeville – what have you got, folks?

Also, on the more practical side, I’m wondering if anyone has things like equipment for bingo and croquet, folding tables and chairs, etc. I have some tables and chairs I can borrow, but it looks like there will be significantly more people than I originally expected, so I think my supply won’t be able to keep up with demand. Anyone have some they could bring? I know, I’m making you work! It’s very unreasonable of me.

 

Again, folks, I need your input, your confirmations, and your contact info. Since we’re setting the date soon, if you can’t a date (the 15th, the 22nd), let me know. I’ll be sending out further information, about characters, about time/date, and about wardrobe concerns, by email, so I really need those email addresses. Thanks again!

(My email address, by the way, is ava.trimble@gmail .com – for those of you who can’t be bothered to scroll to the bottom!)

 

                             Miss Sally Merrill
                      requests the pleasure of
                your company at a garden party
                   in honour of the birthday of
                             Mr. Kent Briggs
                     on a Saturday in August
                              at two o’clock
                                 Pasadena
                                                         Cocktails


Brought to you by Lindsey (eldanorien) and by yours truly:

One Saturday this August, Old Hollywood will be descending upon my house in Pasadena for a Murder Mystery party, to which you are most cordially invited, but not as yourself! This particular soirée will be full of glamorous movie stars, ambitious newcomers, and Hollywood socialites, along with a gossip columnist, a nightclub singer, a stage actress, and maybe even a treacherous imposter!

It’s the late forties (or the early fifties) and television hasn’t quite caught on yet. Film is still king, and Hollywood is a land where dreams come true – for some. To get a sense for what Old Hollywood was like, I highly recommend watching movies like Sunset Boulevard (1950), The Bad and the Beautiful (1952), Singin’ in the Rain (1952), The Cat’s Meow (2002), and The Aviator (2004). For getting a sense of the madcap murder mystery, I offer up Clue (1985), as essential viewing. Our character list pulls from many of the same archetypes (and occasionally stereotypes) used in those movies, but we’re playing up the melodrama and the intrigue, because after all – there will be a murder at this party!

So take a look at this star-studded list of characters, and talk to me about who you might be interested in playing. This is just the beginning, and if enough people are interested, more characters can be written in – let me know if you have any ideas. As people sign up for characters, I will be editing this list to keep it as current as possible. Note: if you previously spoke to me about taking on a specific character and have since changed your mind or can't come, PLEASE tell me. If you're still in, great! Tell me that, too. If your friend wants to come, great. Let's talk.

Baxter Pictures – one of the big movie studios and home to some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. In recent times, Baxter Pictures has been in some financial distress, and it will sink or swim with the failure or success of its latest film, the epic Scheherazade.

•    Dale Baxter (assigned) – the head of Baxter Pictures, he is excitable, fickle, and eccentric. He has a great love for the exotic, and is notorious for harboring infatuations for studio starlets. His pride as a studio mogul is inextricably tied to the success of Scheherazade.
•    Randolph Garrett (assigned) – the temperamental director who rules the roost at Baxter Pictures. He is originally from Europe, but no one knows exactly where. He sees Scheherazade as his great masterpiece, the film for which he will always be remembered. A harsh and exacting master, he is known for making actresses cry with his pointed criticisms. It is sometimes opined that he must be from Transylvania, because only a vampire could be so ill-tempered and keep everyone on the set so very late.

•    Ash Montgomery (assigned) – a wealthy gentleman who owns a winery in Central California and funds pictures for Baxter when it happens to suit him. It most frequently happens to suit him when attractive young ladies of his acquaintance are cast in said movies. At the moment, no one is quite sure which young lady has his eye, so rumors are flying.
•    Kent Briggs (assigned) – the biggest star at Baxter Pictures, debonair and masculine, known for his biting asides and take-no-prisoners attitude. He starred as the sultan in Scheherazade. The gossip columns have been awash with tales of his notorious, womanizing exploits on and off the set.
•    Leda Cameron (assigned) – a prominent British stage actress with a flourishing career and a brilliant engagement to a top London playwright. This well-respected lady deigned to star in Scheherazade, her first motion picture, and is being courted for a long-term contract. Her distaste for Hollywood is well-known.
•    Nona Raine (PROBABLY ASSIGNED) – a Baxter Pictures femme fatale who coveted the title role of Scheherazade, and was distraught/infuriated to learn that she had lost the part to a stage actress. (This character could be fleshed out in various ways.)
•    Mary London (assigned) – an unknown chorus girl signed to a contract at Baxter Pictures for the past year, without ever getting a single line or close-up. Her luck might be turning around now, because she’s coming to the party with director Randolph Garrett. Isn’t that clever of her!

•    Hans Berg (assigned) – the studio composer, who feels he’s prostituting his music by putting it in such a tawdry art form as pictures, particularly the B-pictures that Baxter makes so many of. He grudgingly admits that Scheherazade is better than most of the rubbish he’s been forced to score, but can more usually be heard complaining about Hollywood and telling anyone in earshot that Europe is infinitely better. No one is quite sure why he left.

•    Max Brandon (assigned) – an embittered private eye in the employ of Baxter Pictures. Formerly a Los Angeles cop, he refused to hide a political scandal, and after someone else hushed it up, they saw to it that his career was over. Now he is reduced to keeping an eye on troublesome contract players for Dale Baxter.
•    Hortensia West (assigned) – a self-righteous studio hairdresser who is known for giving out good advice heavy with moral platitudes. She once had a budding acting career, and everyone has a different story for how she went from ingénue to hairdresser. These days, she helps along the girls at the studio, and has been known to admonish directors and producers for working the actresses too hard.

•    Skip Westin (assigned) – a young photographer at Baxter Pictures. He’s been taking promo shots of chorus girls and dogs for the publicity office lately, but this just might be his big break: the studio’s star photographer seems to have eaten some bad oysters and Skip will be the one covering this big-ticket event.

Other Hollywood Types – outside of Baxter Pictures but inside the Hollywood social scene.

•    Maggie [Magnolia] Sutton (OPEN) – a gossip columnist who delights in scandal and misfortune. The only secrets she keeps are her own – when asked of her background, she tells a different story every time, her unmistakable Southern accent the only clue to her origins. She has many enemies, but also allies and fans, especially among the newcomers and bit players, whom she sweetly cultivates for stories and access.
•    Grant Austin (assigned) – the swashbuckling star of rival studio Lamont Brothers. Grant is tall, dashing and well-muscled. He stars in adventure pictures, and is widely considered to be Kent’s biggest rival. Grant is rumored to resent Kent’s casting as the sultan in Scheherazade, an interesting and multi-faceted role, for which he isn’t seen to have the acting chops. What he does have is a certain affection for publicity and scandal.
•    Veronica Timms (assigned) – a nightclub singer known for her close friendships with Hollywood leading men. Time was she could frequently be seen with Kent Briggs, but she’ll be attending this particular party on the arm of rival Grant Austin. She’s known for her exotic beauty, sultry performances, and notorious temper, as well as her vast ambition. [Note the name change!]
•    Helen Banks (PROBABLY ASSIGNED) – an old money socialite who doesn’t do much, but a party isn’t a party without her. She’s seen in the company of many Hollywood types, but rumor has it her family is insisting that she marry a similarly old-moneyed young man and start socializing in more refined circles.

•    Carlo Montez (assigned) – a flamboyant psychic to the stars, with just enough a knack for reading people and for ferreting out secrets that it’s considered wisest not to cross him. His background is highly mysterious, as only the very credulous are willing to believe that he is actually the son of Lola Montez.

Hollywood Outsiders – these characters aren’t truly a part of the glamorous Hollywood social scene, but have made it to the party nonetheless.

•    Sally Merrill (assigned) – a pretty young lady who lives in a house in Pasadena, and is said to be a secretary for the Department of Water and Power. She is a great fan of the movies, and is throwing this birthday party for Kent Briggs, as he’s a friend of hers – a very good friend, as long as no one mentions it to her family back in the Midwest.
•   Louise May (assigned) – the rather humorless wife of a local politician; she’s rumored to socialize with the Hollywood set because her husband wants to know about them. Never mind that she doesn’t ever seem to warm anyone up enough to find out their hobbies, much less their secrets.

•    Nicky and Holly Gianni (assigned) – a lady-and-gent pair of stylish dancers who made the rounds of stage shows in Vegas but have moved to Los Angeles in order to seek movie contracts. She wants to be the next Ginger Rogers, and he’s along for the ride.
•    The Servants (OPEN) – two waiters borrowed for the day from Baxter Pictures, where they normally work on the lot. The help is aspiring to Hollywood greatness, but are not supposed to bother anyone with their ambitions. They are both gossipy and cutthroat, willing to forge any alliances necessary to make it.

•    Jake Hunter (assigned) – the bartender at a Hollywood haunt, persuaded to come out by someone, though it doesn’t seem to have been Sally who persuaded him. Jake is well-known with the Hollywood set, and he’s heard more than a few tales a woe shared over too many drinks. More than one fellow is grateful for Jake’s discretion.
•    The Businessman (OPEN) – this gentleman has been known to gain entrée to some Hollywood circles but not others. He’s a wealthy businessman, but no one quite wants to ask just what his business is – there are always a couple of toughs nearby.
•    Toughs (OPEN) - see above. They spend most of their time scowling, occasionally pause in said activity long enough to leer at girls, and have exceedingly poor manners.

•    Rosalind Connor (PROBABLY ASSIGNED) – a lovely young lady who is newly arrived in Hollywood and aspiring to fame as an actress. She has had a few respectable parts on the stage but she doesn’t want to merely act; she wants to be a star, and there’s nowhere for making stars like Hollywood.

Miscellaneous Other Character Ideas – if nothing above strikes your fancy, maybe one of these will intrigue you, or perhaps you’ve thought of something else entirely.

•    A fencing instructor/stunt man
•    A silent film has-been (assigned)
•    A Hollywood or New York restaurateur
•    A brilliant but under-appreciated screenwriter
•    A major fashion designer
•    An actress-turned-Hollywood-housewife
•    Musicians
•    A gambler
•    Someone's secretary or assistant
•    A genuine communist
•    An undercover G-man

•    Character actors for parts such as cowboys, monsters, gangsters, etc.
•    A temperamental chef (be warned - if you take this one on, we WILL put you to work!)
•    We have one functional bartender but a second could be helpful!

If this sounds like your idea of a good time, we want you there! If you think of a friend who might enjoy it, let me know – we can accommodate quite a few, and would love to meet fellow enthusiasts of oddball entertainments like Murder Mystery parties. THE PARTY WILL TAKE PLACE ON SATURDAY, AUGUST 15TH - FOR CERTAIN! [updated 7/27]

Send me a message on here, or email me at ava.trimble@gmail.com, or message me on Facebook, from whence comes this very note. Or call me, but since this post is public, I don't want to include my phone number.

p.s. [RE the original Facebook note] I rather randomly tagged anyone I thought might be interested, until I ran out of tagging slots, so if you're interested and weren't tagged, don't take it personally! The more the merrier.

p.p.s. A couple people have contacted me expressing concerns about what to wear – don’t worry, darlings, you’ll get through it! Part of our rationale for pick the late 40s/early 50s is that the clothing, or something that resembles it, is easier to come by than that of earlier time periods. Also, this is an afternoon-into-evening garden party rather than an evening cocktail party, so that drops the level of formality a little. But of course – this is Hollywood, and I could certainly see a few starlets turning up a little too well turned out! I assure you that even if you have no idea what to wear, Lindsey or I can help you work something out. Even thrift stores are great about having things that look the part, and I know some of us have some extraneous pieces lying around. So first, talk to me and figure out a part, and then I can point you in the direction of what to wear. ALSO – for ladies in particular, if you want you can come early to have your hair and makeup done! If anyone would like to assist me in doing those things, let me know.

p.p.p.s. Lindsey and I are both perpetually broke - she's an actress and I'm putting every penny into my move back east (at the end of August), so in order to cover the pure costs of food, drinks, and (gasp) liquor, we're hoping everyone can contribute $15 each. There will be deliciousness and martinis, I promise.

So, it's that time again. Costume College is right around the corner, and once again, I find myself strangely dreading it. It's been an absolutely ridiculous year and I've had almost no time for personal sewing (or much sewing at all), so I don't really have anything to wear, certainly nothing appropriate for the 18th Century theme, and not even really anything for my "own" time period, the crinoline era. I don't have anything to wear to the Gala on Saturday night, to which I am prone to going after dinner is over, and I refuse to wear the same 1950s-ish red cocktail dress I wore last year.

Sigh.

But worrying about clothes is easy. Clothes are literal and (har har) material. They're a straightforward sort of thing to fret about, and to make excuses about - I've been busy, things have been crazy, I've been stressed, and I'm about to move across the country so I'm not only increasingly busybusybusy but I won't have much packing space, or storage space once I get there.

The real issue is that every year, I spend the entirety of Costume College in a bizarre state of heightened anxiety, because at this point, sure, I know plenty of people, and recognize quite a few from internet lurking, but everyone has their circles and, as I realized at my first Costume College, three years ago (this will be my fourth), I'm not in any of them. So, in a panicky sort of way, I latch on to people, in a desperate attempt to avoid being left alone for extended periods of time while I just know that all around me, extraordinary degrees of fun and camaraderie are being had.

In this fashion, I suppose Costume College is sort of a microcosm of my life. I never fit in anywhere, not even with the outcasts, in part because I'm so used to not fitting in that I'm paranoid and nervous and quite effective at turning these things into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Confession?

I stopped Civil War reenacting largely because I realized that I was never really going to be in the group. Because the other founding members, and others who got involved, the core girls, they were all Costume College friends, and they had history, and I wasn't a part of that, and I didn't know how to be. They clustered, and I don't have it in me to chase people down. They had history, and they had, let's say, shared ideologies, and I found it harder and harder to convince myself I wasn't on the outside of everything. It's more than that, and my life really did get very busy, but if I'd had the motivation, I could have made it happen. But there's not much to be said for feeling like an outsider.

I've met some amazing people at Costume College, but I never do much follow up on trying to keep in touch, at least not for long, because everyone already has their thing, or their many things, going on. I don't. I'm busy, sure, with work and home and school application/prep and whatever personal life situations crop up, but I don't have a circle of friends. I haven't had, for years, except when I try to awkwardly splice myself onto someone else's, and it never works. I don't fit, or I'm living a lie, and in the end still not fitting. But people are busy and they have their habits and their friends and their social circles, and there isn't generally a great deal of motivation to move beyond that, and I'm too perpetually convinced that I'm bothering people to really push.

So Costume College is a source of immense anxiety. Of course, for me, life in general is a source of immense anxiety, but I find my chest tightening up at the thought of going again. I almost didn't, last year, though that was for far more complex reasons - my grandfather was dying in hospice, and literally days earlier, my boyfriend of very-nearly-a-year had broken up with me (or had I broken up with him? it's all in how you look at it, I suppose), which meant that I needed to move, in addition to which I had to quit another job, and was completely broke. Friday morning I got the call that my grandfather had passed, and I spent the better part of half an hour walking back and forth through the Airtel, end to end, because I didn't know what else to do. I was wandering dazedly through the Marketplace when I came upon amybee28, whom I'd met the yeaar before and not seen since. She asked me how I was doing, and I teared up. "Awful, actually," I think I said. She gave me a big hug, and has since probably forgotten about the whole thing, since it was just a little moment, but it meant a lot to me, as I'd been feeling so very miserable and alone.

It's very tricky, feeling miserable and alone. I try to avoid feeling it, but if all else fails, I try to hide it. So I smile and I laugh and I do my damnedest to make myself useful, and then I try to skitter away before people start wishing I'd gone. And when I don't leave, I secondguess myself and think I ought to have done. Obviously, I am more than a little dysfunctional.

It's funny: I'm absolutely brilliant at dating and complete rubbish at making friends. Don't try to psychoanalyze that one too deeply. I have; it's dangerous territory.

Anyway... I'm in one of my odd, confessional moods tonight, and this is what came out. Frankly, it's rather a relief to be confessing about something other than a former lover. There's been quite enough of that, thank you very much.

In related, somewhat more practical news - as I am moving to Massachusetts in late August, I am in the process of trying to get rid of a lot of fabric, and some patterns and vintage clothes. I'm planning to give some of it away, and sell some things on Etsy, but I could potentially sell things locally if anyone's interested. One of these days I'll take some pictures of the clothes and check the patterns. Off the top of my head, I have a bunch of Simplicity Martha McCain Civil War patterns in the smaller size set that there's no sense in my keeping, and some retro reissue patterns in small and medium sizes that I also no longer need to stockpile, plus a variety of other patterns. I have at least 20 cubic feet of synthetic chiffon and other sheers as well, much of which I do not need. Some interesting stretch materials that I'll likely never use, lots of nice-quality synthetic satin, and DEAR GOD a lot of trim, including some dandy laces.

In somewhat more related, but somewhat less practical, news - as I mentioned earlier, I don't pay for Gala tickets (perpetually broke and so forth - once again can't afford to stay at the hotel; have to pay for airfare and shipping instead!), but I usually drop in sometime after dinner is over. I have developed a habit of helping people with their hair during the downtime in recent years, and it occurs to me I might as well make the offer ahead of time. Hair is fun! If anyone wants assistance, let me know. Maybe if I make plans ahead of time I won't be so panicky about being at loose ends and missing out on something. Must. Stop. Panicking.

In almost entirely unrelated news - I'm going to a French and Indian War reenactment in upstate New York the last weekend of August and need to invent something passable to wear. Oh crap. At least it's 18th Century theme at Costume College this year, and I have Janet Arnold and Nancy Bradfield in the mail. *crosses fingers*

Now, to do dishes, and to contemplate how best to attach the red straw braid trim to the upturned brim of my black silk hat. Stitching would show on the other side - all I can think of is glue, and that seems an atrocity. I am not by any means an experienced milliner. I am, however, an experienced hoarder. Argh.

                             Miss Sally Merrill
                      requests the pleasure of
                your company at a garden party
                   in honour of the birthday of
                             Mr. Kent Briggs
                     on a Saturday in August
                              at two o’clock
                                 Pasadena
                                                         Cocktails


Brought to you by Lindsey (eldanorien ) and by yours truly:

One Saturday this August, Old Hollywood will be descending upon my house in Pasadena for a Murder Mystery party, to which you are most cordially invited, but not as yourself! This particular soirée will be full of glamorous movie stars, ambitious newcomers, and Hollywood socialites, along with a gossip columnist, a nightclub singer, a stage actress, and maybe even a treacherous imposter!

It’s the late forties (or the early fifties) and television hasn’t quite caught on yet. Film is still king, and Hollywood is a land where dreams come true – for some. To get a sense for what Old Hollywood was like, I highly recommend watching movies like Sunset Boulevard (1950), The Bad and the Beautiful (1952), Singin’ in the Rain (1952), The Cat’s Meow (2002), and The Aviator (2004). For getting a sense of the madcap murder mystery, I offer up Clue (1985), as essential viewing. Our character list pulls from many of the same archetypes (and occasionally stereotypes) used in those movies, but we’re playing up the melodrama and the intrigue, because after all – there will be a murder at this party!

( For all the salacious details.... )

A very exciting survey, cross-posted from MySpace and left intact (complete with the original mockeries of MySpace for verisimilitude), mostly because I'm too damned lazy, at this point of the night, to change it. Plus, I thought it was funny. You're welcome to disagree. Most people do, I've found.

1.
Where were you at 11:45 am today?
Working, doing an extra session with the twins. Specifically, sitting on a couch discussing rockets.



2.
Is the person you like older or younger than you?
It seems so judgmental to expect people to like only one person, and to always like someone. Also, we're sort of butchering the word "like" and rendering it useless. Hmph. Anyway, the answer would be older, no matter how you slice it. Younger is not my cup of tea.




3 When was the last time you saw the last person you kissed?
Er - two and a half hours ago.




4.
Ever talked to someone that was high?
...yes. I've been in the room watching them get high, even, but I try to avoid it. Allergies, etc. Plus, things may seem profound while you're high....but generally not so much to the people who are not high.



5.
How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller?
I'm strangely picky about this, so again, taller is gonna be the answer almost without fail. Admittedly, this does limit my options somewhat, as I am 5'9", which I believe is actually taller than average for men. Sometimes, I tower. I don't like towering. I like men who make me feel like a delicate flower. Shhhh, allow me my delusions. I can -pretend- I'm not a Germanic peasant built for plowing fields and breeding herds of fat red babies. Just call me Helga.



6.
Did you have a dream last night?
I'm not sure. I know I had a dream night before last, and it was really weird, but I forgot it. Hmm, that was a strikingly lame answer.



7.
Last text message you sent?
Directions to Teri & Yaki on Lake. New branch, closer to home! Best chicken salad in the history of the world. Oh god, it makes lettuce delicious, and I dislike lettuce. The crunchies - seriously, you haven't lived until you've had these crunchies. They crunch like you wouldn't believe.



8.
Last comment you left someone?
It was on Facebook, which annoys me far less than MySpace and is much better about relevant updates and notifications, so I use it far more. I believe it was telling Elise that her plans to see a show combining Mexican wrestling and burlesque sounded pretty exciting, but I had work to do. More recently, it's mostly been commenting on responses to my own status messages.



9.
Do you have a Facebook?
See above. It's better.



10.
What color is your underwear?
Black and lacy. The lace attribute is an important factor in color determination.



11.
Last person you were in the car with besides your family?
Hmmm. That would be Robert, when we went to get Taco Bell (hungry and ordering like potheads) on Thursday.




12.
Do you own a polo?
Shirt, yes. It's absolutely hideous, bright un-food-blue and orange stripes. Used to belong to a guy I dated years ago, but I ended up with it. I don't wear it out of the house, but it's kind of awesome in its fearfulness. If paired with brown cords, it makes the 70s attack.



14.
Are you currently frustrated with a girl?
Hm. I often am... but at the moment? No one in particular comes to mind, actually.



15.
Are you excited for winter?
I am! Except it keeps getting hot again! Driving me fucking nuts. I don't want it to be 85 degrees out!!



16.
If it was free and it would work perfectly, would you get plastic surgery?
HMMMMMMMMMM. In fantasy-magical-world, I might. If we're talking hair removal and scar removal, fuck yeah. It would save SO MUCH TIME if I never had to shave my legs again. And I've got this scar across my breasts.... Seriously, it's not nearly as good a story as you'd think. I should invent a new one.




17.
Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
Yes. But not recently.



18.
Have you ever been called Prince(ss)?
Yes. I loathe it. I am not a princess. I don't like the ideas that people are throwing around with that. I'm not spoiled, I'm not characterized by a sense of entitlement, and I'm not unreasonably demanding. And I don't like being put on a pedestal. Plus there was this guy I dated as a teenager who always called me princess. It annoyed me then, and it's put an extra special twinge of nausea on the whole thing, because he was, you know, a sociopath.



19.
What did you do last night?
Watched American Idol and Bones, because that's what was on my mom's DVR, or rather, listened to them, whilst I did many loads of laundry, gave myself a mani-pedi, set my hair in very elaborate pin-curls, and worked on my time-sheets for the month. My hair turned out fabulously, by the way, but it got rather frazzled over the course of the day, so I finally took it down and brushed it out, and now it's HUGE.



20.
Who is ONE person you wish you haven't dated?
Oh god, I have to pick just ONE??? Actually, seriously... I wouldn't change the past, given the chance. For better or worse, I am who I am, now, because of the experiences I've had, and oddly enough, I rather like myself. Oh, I have plenty of issues, but I'm working through them (sometimes faster than others), and it seems like everything has really built off of everything else. But apart from the issues of massive changes to my life and personality - I would say Mark Williams in high school. Yikes. And yikes again.



22.
What do you hear right now?
The very noisy heater in the bathroom, trying valiantly to make me warm in the next room. Brrrr. I like the cold, but my toes is froze.



23.
What is the closest thing to you that is blue?
My eyes! Other than those.... the lid to the tupperware box I keep my stash of blond pins for pin-curling in. Not that the box itself is around...



27.
If you had to change your eye color, would you? What would it be?
I would fight TOOTH AND NAIL! I love my eye color. I just wish the whites of my eyes were more toward white than red... If I -had- to change the color, well, dark blue eyes are interesting, though I really am quite partial to my pale blue.



28.
Last time someone of the same sex hit on you?
Hmmmm. In jest - Elise did (possibly for the benefit of the cute waiter) at dinner on Monday. For serious, I'm not sure. Most people read me as straight (could have something to do with my habit of dating guys), so that probably contributes to the infrequency of this sort of thing. I'm really not sure. It's probably been ages.



29.
Last thing you wrote your name on?
The check I wrote for my absurdly expensive medical insurance. I hates it.



30.
Who do you wanna kiss right now?
I'm fine, thank you, for the moment. Check back later.



31.
What do you want for Christmas?
An acceptance letter to Hampshire College and excellent financial aid. Failing that, I'd like a 40s Lana Turner style haircut and perm. Anyone offering?



32.
Does it snow where you live?
Alas, no.



33.
Where did you get the pants you're wearing right now?
Hmm. TJ Maxx. $10 clearance rack, baby. They are super comfy green track pants, and to my immense consternation, bore the original price tag of something like $90. BCBG. Right. Who spends that kind of dough on TRACK PANTS?! I think they're supposed to be dry clean only, too.



34.
If you could change one thing right now what would it be?
Proposition 8. Or say, maybe something in our legal system that makes changing the fucking constitution require a 2/3 majority, the way increasing SALES TAX half a percent does. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT?!



35.
Are you in love?
Hmmmmmm. I'm not sure. Hard to say. Love is such a - well - many-splendored thing. Sometimes I get tired of trying to quantify and categorize it. There are people I love. I would actually venture to say that there are three men that I genuinely love, in a romantic sense, but I'm not sure any of them is quite what anyone thinks of as properly and traditionally "in love." And of course, there's also, always, the epic first love, that will probably make my heart quiver until the day I die. Sometimes I try to count how many times I've been in love, and it's always difficult. What is "in love" exactly? Is it still "in love" when feelings change and shift, a relationship ends, and closeness remains? Is it "in love" when caring about someone is unavoidable, but agonizing enough that even the nearly-limitless bounds of MY affections practice self-restraint? Is it "in love" when it bears every quantifiable resemblance to things called "in love" without any desire for ownership? And here you thought it was a simple question.



38.
When is the next time you will see your grandma?
I don't know.... probably not as soon as I ought to.



40.
Do you wear makeup every day?
No, because no one at work cares (I go to people's houses and play with kids; they don't expect me to look fancy), and I have this contact-lens-related thing going on with my eyes that leads to my optometrist saying I should avoid both contacts and eye makeup. In a perfect world, I wouldn't leave the house without mascara. I feel better when my eyelashes are visible.




41 Would you go in public without looking dressed up or put together?
I don't go out in public looking like a slob. My socks always match the rest of what I'm wearing, and for that matter, so do my panties, most of the time, because I'm peculiar like that. But I don't always remember earrings (plus, they can be a little hazardous in my line of work - grab - ouch), and the dreaded ponytail has become far too common. I'm a vintage girl at heart - I want to walk out the door with my hair in curls and my red lipstick on, looking trim and tidy. But it's not realistic for my current job and lifestyle, most days. Or my wardrobe. So I save the primping for weekends, most of the time. Damn, this thing is turning into a novel.



45.
How is your hair right now?
As previously mentioned - HUGE. There'll probably still be enough volume tomorrow to be able to do something interesting, but it doesn't really matter, seeing as I'll be spending the whole day at home, alone, doing paperwork. Meh.



46.
What is tomorrow?
Paperwork day and cleaning day, also known as Sunday, at the moment. Tuesday will be much the same.



47.
Who is the last person to call you baby?
Hmmm. I'm not sure.



50.
Now that this is over, what SHOULD you be doing right now?
Sleeping! I never get enough sleep anymore; it's bad. But I felt like writing, and I didn't have specific enough ideas for a proper blog, so I went the long-winded survey route instead. Did anyone read the whole thing? Probably not. But I can secretly dream that people are sitting at home chortling over my witticisms and nodding at my sage insights, their respect for my depth of character growing with each progressive maundering contemplation of my hair. See, now, I thought that bit just there was hilarious. I crack myself up. Terrible habit; very uncouth. Moving on - it's time for bed!

(Warning: cross-posted!)

Like I said... I'm moving. A long string of things has resulted in the most sensible course of action being moving away this summer, transferring to a 4-year college or university in the Fall, and, you know, generally starting over. I mentioned this briefly in my previous blog, but it's actually been the plan since before Thanksgiving, and I just feel better and better about it as time goes on.

EXCEPT!

I don't know where to go.

I'm up to my eyeballs in research, on several fronts, but there's just too much out there. So I'm tossing this into the stratosphere - where do YOU think I should move? Any suggestions, notions, resources you have to offer will be welcomed.

I have quite a lot of factors to consider and weigh. In short, I need to find

1. A four-year college or university with a good history program, and it needs to be the right kind of history program. Either public history-oriented (the study of historians for historians who intend to work in areas other than academia, e.g. in museums, archives, national parks), or otherwise amenable to that, and with social and cultural history courses/professors/slant. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be ANY way of investigating this, even though there are certainly some schools that fit the bill better than others. Public history programs at the undergraduate level are rare, and honestly I'm much more worried about being able to fill my need for social and cultural stuff more than find the obscure degree/concentration.

2. On the East Coast, preferably New England or maybe a Mid-Atlantic State. The South is just too hot, and as to why the East Coast, well, I've always loved it there when I've visited, I love the history of the region, and if I'm going to pick up and leave everything behind, I might as well go whole hog.

3. In an urban center or at least a large college town - I don't want to be in the middle of nowhere, especially because I intend to sell my truck and be car-free once I move. So finding a place with excellent local public transit is of paramount importance, also with train connections to other cities. Walkable neighborhoods are another thing to think about, but that's smaller scale. I don't even know what state(s) I'm looking at yet!

4. It needs history! As you may have noticed, I love history. Obviously, it's easier to find on the East Coast, as it's been around longer, but it's better preserved and better loved in some places than others. I would particularly like to be able to find the right school, in the right area, near a living history town/farm/fort/house with ongoing programs at which I could hopefully get a job (I have four years work experience and ten years volunteer, including time as a state park docent, doing living history). Things like an old movie theater showing old movies would count in a location's favor!

5. Unfortunately, it needs to be in the US, because as much as I love Montreal, and Concordia's history program sounds like the bee's knees (overlapping sociology and history classes? yum!), in Canada I would need a student visa, and one cannot legally work while on a student visa in Canada, so that's not an option. But being able to easily take the train to Montreal could be points in favor of upstate New York or Vermont.

So. I am UP TO MY EYEBALLS in research, and I'm still feeling totally lost. HELP!

I am unhappy.

 

There is simply no avoiding that fact. In my life, I’ve spent more time unhappy than I would like, and certainly more time than I would like to admit. It’s not as if my life is a Greek tragedy (or any other variety), though it has its share of genuine ills; I don’t want to give the impression of being self-pitying and pathetic. And I really hate admitting to unhappiness that has been directly or indirectly caused by someone, for fear they’ll realize it, and recognize the power they have over me. How embarrassing, how vulnerable; how frightening.

 

I have always felt things keenly. Existence seems to be in slightly sharper focus for me than for most people, and I’m not at all sure it’s to the good. I was a very sensitive child, quick to display high emotion, and easy to shame. Shame is a wretched thing. “Don’t you realize what you look like when you’re doing that?” I learned to realize it, and I never stopped realizing. I am self-aware to the point of occasional obsession. I am even self-aware about the potential annoyingness of my self-awareness and self-consciousness. Don’t think the irony of that is lost on me.

 

I learned to feel shame in the wake of a display of emotion, so gradually, I learned to hide the emotions. Of course, that had its own difficulties, not the least of which was the sheer impossibility of denying my nature. For years now, I’ve tried to find balance, between the poles of keeping myself safe, and being myself: someone who feels keenly and desires connection with others above all things.

 

In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s not working very well. I always lean too far in one direction or the other, and usually exactly the wrong one at exactly the wrong time, just when it seems to matter most. Just one more thing for me to agonize over, and I do. Especially now. I spend far too much time inside my own head. I work, I read, I watch movies, I organize my room, I drive. That’s all. I play the piano, a little bit, usually the same song; soon it will be polished and finished and then what will I do? Work exhausts me in every conceivable way: emotionally, mentally, and physically, it takes everything out of me. The things that make me a gifted therapist are the things that make it too much, too hard, to be sustained.

 

I have no social life to speak of, really. There are a couple of friends I see occasionally, too many of whom I used to date. I am achingly lonely. For the first two months after I moved to Pasadena, I tried. I tried so hard to keep friends, to make friends, to go out, to date, to be young and vibrant and alive. But things happened – don’t they always? – and I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t have it in me to keep trying. I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking since the beginning of November.

 

I’ve tried to have fun, a few times. It’s been exhausting.

 

There were a lot of things that happened, a lot of things that are happening, and plenty in my own nature that make up this equation of unhappiness. However, there is one thing in particular that remains unresolved, whereas much of the rest has been straightened out. But this one thing, its effect on me – however fractional – makes me despise myself. Shame on me, for feeling this way. Shame on me for giving this thing power over me. The inherent shame of this one thing makes me want to hide it and run away from it, but the more I try to ignore it, the more it creeps back and jabs me in the ribs.

 

So I’m going to try an experiment. Since trying, somewhat belatedly, to stifle, hide, ignore, and otherwise distort my emotional display has been wholly ineffective at making me feel better about it, I’m going to stop stifling it.

 

There was someone I cared about, far more than I ever planned to. I hadn’t been making plans at all, and then there it was, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I over-thought it – I often do – and ended up in a hopelessly tangled mess. And then somehow, over sushi and tearful political victory, it seemed that maybe I hadn’t written myself into a corner. What a lovely, lovely thing. What happened next? I don’t know. I really don’t know. To my immense frustration (I loathe unfinished business) I probably never will. Hardly for the first time, someone I cared for…disappeared. How hard is it, really, to say goodbye? To say “You know, this really isn’t what I want. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” To say, “It’s come to my attention that you might be a wee bit more emotionally unstable than I’m comfortable with. Please go be crazy somewhere else.” To say SOMETHING!

 

This person talked a lot about honor, and about honesty. We both did. Apparently I was the only one who meant it.

 

So, really, if by some peculiar chance the person in question is reading this – all I ever wanted was to understand. I wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum, or begged to be your one and only, or made it difficult in some fashion. We’d been involved long enough that you really did owe me an explanation, but I was too confused and too painfully aware of my vulnerability to push for one. But really – if that’s who you are, someone who runs away rather than facing up and even saying goodbye, then, well, better I found out sooner than later. Still, could I have my movies back? And also those pictures?

 

Even so – I meant every word. I really did think you were amazing, and I wish we could have parted on terms that didn’t force me to wonder how much of it was an act, a lie, or a game.

 

Now, I must backtrack and clarify that this unstrung romance is not the sole cause of my ongoing unhappiness. But I’ve spent months now trying to convince myself – and everyone else – that it’s not bothering me, to the end that it’s banging on the door trying to get out, and I’m tired of listening to it, so out it goes, however anonymously. Ask me tomorrow, and I might have a better metaphor. Right now, that’s the best I’ve got.

 

Shame is a hideously powerful thing. I’m so afraid of feeling ashamed; that awful, sick shame when my emotions are exposed and I’m vulnerable and everyone can see that I’m broken. I’m so afraid of that shame that sometimes, I would do just about anything to keep from feeling it. So I hide my emotions, or I try to mislead or misdirect. I make people angry, so they’ll look at something, anything other than me, so they won’t see the power they have over me. Understand that I don’t just mean lovers; this applies to friends, to family, even to casual acquaintances. I will make myself into an idiot, a whore, or a bitch, just to avoid being seen, when I’m afraid someone might see too much. It’s incredibly counter-productive.

 

I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied with my unhappiness, and I am fighting it tooth and nail – some days more than others. I am fighting on so many fronts, and I am exhausted. I am alone, and I am exhausted. I rarely have fun; I miss fun. It’s a new year. A year in which I will turn 24, and move away from everything I have ever known. A year in which I will start over. The countdown is on. There are things to do, and things to be.

 

I want to be more fully honest, and less ruled by my fears. This was a start. And do you know what? I feel a little better. That thing that was sitting in a corner of me head, unacknowledged but refusing to leave and growing stronger in the darkness – well, it’s sitting on the internet now. I have released it into the world, and it is welcome to become gossip if it chooses. More likely, it will continue being ignored, but it’s just not my problem anymore.

 

And now, because I have been so oppressively serious, I will leave you with this, a quote from the UK television program Coupling: “I want you to know, I intend this breast satirically.”

 

There are so few contexts for that remark.

Meme from <lj user="colleency">

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now,(even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

(Note: That blurb technically consists of three paragraph sections, none of which properly constitutes a complete paragraph! Yep yep.)

I just read this insightful entry by my friend Eric, and wanted to encourage anyone and everyone to read it: http://broodywarrior.livejournal.com/150653.html

That's all!

Ooooooh! I'm excited about this. I love a good biopic, and Sean Penn is amazing. It goes into limited release November 26, and wide release December 5. I'll be there on day one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unu-9vM9VZw

I've checked Ellen DeGeneres' official show website several times today, looking for some kind of statement about her thoughts on the election, and on my last visit, a statement had emerged, though oddly enough the timestamp is incorrect.
You can see the original form here:

http://ellen. warnerbros. com/2008/11/election_results. php

But for your convenience, here are her words:

"My Thoughts on This Historic Election

"Watching the returns on election night was an amazing experience. Barack Obama is our new president. Change is here. I, like millions of Americans, felt like we had taken a giant step towards equality. We were watching history.


"This morning, when it was clear that Proposition 8 had passed in California, I can’t explain the feeling I had. I was saddened beyond belief. Here we just had a giant step toward equality and then on the very next day, we took a giant step away.


"I believe one day a “ban on gay marriage” will sound totally ridiculous. In the meantime, I will continue to speak out for equality for all of us.
"

***

Well said, Ellen. I really, really respect her, and all that she has done. Such an amazing person. It's heartening to see the many sweet messages that have been posted to the page with pictures from her wedding - sweetness being in the vast majority.


As I've probably already made clear, my heart goes out to EVERYONE effected by this decision, which, really, in the end - is everyone.


-Ava

(I posted this originally as a bulletin on MySpace, and forgot to cross-post here, so I just posted it a day late and backdated it for clarity.)

If you voted Yes on California’s Proposition 8 in yesterday’s historic and groundbreaking election, then you contributed, by a narrow majority, to eliminating a fundamental right for part of our state’s population. You voted to write discrimination into our state’s constitution, a document that was written to uphold rights, not to take them away. You voted in favor of lies, bigotry, and a blind, senseless fear of the unfamiliar. You voted to take a significant and disturbing step away from the separation of church and state, one of the founding precepts of this country, and in my opinion, truly one of the greatest American ideals.

With the election of Barack Obama as the next president of the United States, a historic victory has been achieved, not just by liberals or democrats, but by our whole country, in the fight against inequality. 143 years ago, slavery was eliminated, but racial discrimination was still accepted, even expected. 88 years ago, women were given the right to vote, but were still expected to primarily exist as daughters, wives, and mothers. 54 years ago, racial segregation was formally ended and the Civil Rights movement was in full swing, but 50 years ago, Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. On November 4th, 2008, an African-American man was named our president-elect, showing just how far we’ve come. Also significant is the fact that the Republican party appealed to its hard-right contingent with a woman as their vice-presidential offering, with hardly a conservative protestation.

“All men are created equal.” In fulfilling this beautiful ideal, we have come so far. No longer is anyone counted as merely three-fifths of a person. Women as well as men are considered to have been created equal. People are no longer denied rights on the basis of gender, race, or religion – most of the time. But in this same election that proved just how far Americans have come in rejecting inequality and bigotry, three states passed constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriage. One of those states, to my deep disappointment, was California, where for a short time, same-sex marriage had been legalized, following our Supreme Court’s overturn of an earlier ban, last May.

Beyond a mere hesitancy to extend rights to a minority group, Californians actually chose to eliminate a right that was already in place; a right that our Republican-dominated Supreme Court concluded was constitutionally guaranteed. Californians chose to insert bigotry into our constitution, and turn their backs on the thousands of couples who wed since the court’s decision took effect on June 16th.

Even as I am filled with exultation and hope for four years with Barack Obama as our country’s leader, I am horrified that this state – often considered one of our nation’s most liberal – chose to codify bigotry. I was there, in West Hollywood, on the day that the Supreme Court’s decision took effect and same-sex couples were able to legally marry. I watched countless couples get licenses; I saw many weddings that day, under white pavilions in the park, as the news media swarmed. Nearby, people walked dogs, and children played on the swing set. Life went on, as usual. No one was traumatized. No one was hurt. It was a day filled with joy for so many people, both personal joy, and a wider joy at the progress of the world; a hopeful joy.

Though the fight is far from over – it will not be over until it is won – the passage of Proposition 8 is a crushing blow to the joy of so many thousands of hopeful people who only want the same rights enjoyed by everyone else. If two consenting adults have the right to marry, then two consenting adults have the right to marry. Religion has nothing to do with it – no church will ever be forced to marry two people it does not wish to marry. Schools have nothing to do with it – no young child is given comprehensive sex education without written parental consent. And as for domestic partnerships – not only do they simply not offer the same rights and protections as marriage does, they are not marriage. If two people have the right to marry, then two people have the right to marry.

***

Think of Ellen DeGeneres, who married Portia de Rossi on August 16th. Why would you want to take that away from her?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUr8YFmOw-Q

Think of George Takei, of original series Star Trek fame, who married Brad Altman, his partner of 21 years, on September 14^th, after being the first couple to pick up their marriage license that historic day at West Hollywood Park. Why would you want to take that away from him?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyeTh8mqWpg&feature=related

Think of all the couples, ordinary and extraordinary, who want to spend their lives together. Think of the couples who wed on that one day alone, June 16th, in West Hollywood Park, making history as their relationships were solemnized, recognized, and protected. Why would you want to take that away from them?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTwy7cbYOFk

***

If you voted yes on Prop 8, then you voted to write discrimination into our state’s constitution. Shame on you. Shame on you for being too scared to do the right thing, for being bigoted, for being misguided, for being misinformed and remaining uninformed. Shame on you for hiding behind religion; Jesus would never have supported bigotry. Unlike so many who throw his name around, rumor has it he was actually a decent and forward-thinking individual.

If you voted yes on Prop 8, shame on you.

Sincerely,

Ava-Amie-Amanda

 

Whatever name you call me by, this is how I feel. No two ways about it. Because discrimination against any group is wrong. I fight for this not because I consider myself part of the LGBT group (although, being bisexual, I do), but because I believe that it is important to stand up for what is right. Always

So, it's been a while, since my lone previous post. A lot has changed. Really, a lot a lot a lot. It's overwhelming to think about summarizing it, but I will make a valiant attempt:

In May, I quit my job as a wedding consultant because I had ethical issues with the company. Ensuing months were then spent trying to get another job, and repeatedly changing my mind as to what exactly I should be looking for, mostly circling around general office work. Altogether, no luck, and I finally hit desperation and called a friend who'd mentioned that the company he worked for was hiring. Thus, I started valeting cars. Seriously. It was a part-time thing and it was...an experience. One I don't intend to repeat.

It was a difficult summer. Robert's dad was hospitalized and very sick, miserably dying. After he passed, the day after the funeral actually, I got the call that my grandfather was in the hospital, and he proceeded to miserably die in almost exactly the same way. But while he was still hanging on, barely, at the end of July, Robert broke up with me. Well, it later turned out that he'd thought I was about to break up with him (which I wasn't), and what he'd really wanted was just to tell me that he no longer saw a long-term future for us, and thought we should re-think the nature of our relationship, but I didn't need to leave.

I don't like doing things halfway. So it was over, and when he went outside for a cigarette, I called my mom and asked if I could take her up on her earlier offer of the spare bedroom at her house in Pasadena. She was busy at the hospital but said yes - though it would have to wait until after things with her dad were over, and she could think straight. Thus began the waiting game.

Two days after The Talk - I was off to Costume College. Friday morning, I got the call that my grandfather had died during the night, and I spent probably two hours pacing back and forth from one end of the hotel complex to the other, unable to sort out my head. Then I ran into Shawn and Amy. Amy asked how I was, and I believe my answer was "Um, terrible, actually." She gave me a big hug and I took up wandering around with them, and put a lot of things out of my head. Despite everything, it was a fantastic weekend. I had an amazing time - and to think I seriously considered not going. I'm SO glad I went.

Costume College, of course, inspired about a million project ideas, none of which I've been able to do anything about, since I was stuck playing the waiting the waiting game until after BOTH of the memorial services for my grandfather, and my mom felt things had stabilized enough that she could survive the incursion, so I spent a lot of time trying to organize my stuff and my life, packing, and doing a whole lot of thinking. August was rough. I finally moved officially around the end of the month, and it was a relief.

Now, my bedroom may be tiny, but it's mine! I'm living in a charming 1912 craftsman in Pasadena, and just starting to explore the area, and also exploring various neighborhoods of LA when opportunities arise. God, it's good to be out of Orange County. But I don't know anyone around here! Very distressing. So, I'm trying to get properly settled in, and looking for a real job, and hoping to start doing some sewing again. I really miss making stuff.

Current goals:

-Buy a desk and table and create a long workspace in my room
-Buy under-bed bins from Ikea to store books in
-Finish inputting books into LibraryThing, organize them, and put them away
-Learn to dance - bellydancing DVD (no one is EVER seeing that!), ballroom and swing lessons, being less self-conscious...
-Donate/sell extraneous DVDs, books, vintage clothes, etc.
-Take photos of and some patterns off vintage clothes before selling them
-Put shelves up on walls for extra storage
-Make curtains so the sun stops killing me
-Get a job, preferably the one I interviewed for on Friday
-Sew!
-Go to the Cicada Club...sometime....because I've never been!
-Be better about finishing the things I start
-Spend time with awesome people in THIS county
-See more live music
-Write. Write. Write!

Stream-of-consciousness blogging. Yeah.

Sometimes I'm actually interesting, I swear.

Here's another goal:

-Be happy, without being in love. Not that I have anything against being in love, and really, I do want to be again, at some point...but not yet. Not now. I want to get better at just being me before I try to fit my life with another person's again. What I could use is friends to hang out with. =)

And that is my chaotic little update. A lot of crap has happened - okay - what now? Good things, I think. I hope. I am determined! Because life is full of beautiful things and so many possibilities, and I'm excited. I don't know where everything is going to lead, and that's okay. As long as there is peanut butter toast, everything will be all right!

Well! I have a new LiveJournal. I've had a couple of these before, but somehow they never really stuck, and I always get sick of looking back on the unhappy blogs of yesteryear. And now, now, I finally have my own business going (sort of) and I have a domain, so I'm getting all usernames to match. And business cards! I have a slightly obsessive apprecciation for theming.

So, here we go. A new LJ - and everything else - which may or may not be used! However, in my research on various things vintage I keep running across various LJs and LJ communities, so I figured I should try diving in - sans very old blogs.

The current situation? I left school and moved out of my dad's a few months ago, and am now living in Garden Grove, just across the line from Orange, with my boyfriend and our roommate, both of whom have weirder nicknames than I've ever aspired to. Phantom and Pixie make me look normal by comparison! But, we have a good situation and it's a nice place and we're close to everything.

The problem? Work. I'm a wedding consultant and while I love the industry, there are problems with my current job situation and I would very much like to switch over exlcusively or nearly so to doing work at the actual events, but there isn't enough of that to pay the bills, and I'm going a little crazy! The question now is how quickly I can bring in enough income from working the events and my sewing business to make ends meet without needing to full-time it in the office.

Ultimately, I want to get into the more specialized arena of theme weddings, while also doing sewing, although not wedding dresses - too much stress! Anyway, we'll see what direction actual work goes.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get things going business-wise. I've been talking about it for a long time but I haven't really done much until now. I finally broke down and got the domain name and the business cards - they're in the mail! And just as importantly, I got my books and my various heaps of sewing stuff moved into my apartment, and organized everything. I finally have space to sew! The projects are coming out and being attacked. It's all very exciting.

And now - I am finding myself quite hungry, so I am off to investigate the kitchen. Which reminds me that I should probably go to the grocery store, as we are lacking in...food...and also I need to get baby benadryl for my guinea pigs, because they have mites and are itchy. Poor babies. The vet was bloody expensive but they got so sick at dad's; I didn't want to risk waiting and treating them myself. But now they're getting fixed up and I am spoiling them with apples.

Anyway - I'm off.

-Ava